thermometers and the world ending

Thermometers. They are sold out everywhere! According to the assistant at Morrisons, they sell out within five minutes of getting them in. It's like 'survivors' (TV series about catastrophic bug). We'll all get the lergy soon and die leaving the one person who survives (probably my neighbour Helen and nasty jack russell) to comb the shops for Belgian waffles.

Backtrack. I really wasn't feeling too good last night. Saw the Holland Park Opera, Verdi's the Masked Ball. Great set! Friend B's birthday. but felt really rough at the end, terrible sore throat. Which felt worse to the background of all the posh people with jackets and tans saying 'lovely darling' and 'the soprano was magnificent. I must tell Piers about this'. I felt rather gamma female. Unhealthy, dumpy and full of a mild case of swine flu.

Being the calm and happy go lucky sort, I feared the worst. Since then have been taking massive doses of vitamin C and doing self hypnosis to believe that I don't have a cold. I feel not bad considering. But, worst of all, I couldn't relax into the hypochondria of it all. My thermometer conked out.

(my thermometer, pictured with helpful depiction of virus cum alien by my 8 year old niece)

What I don't understand is why everyone has bought a thermometer? Is it to check whether they have temperature so they can go online to get a swine flu pill? Or is it to hold by the radiator and pretend to their spouses/workmates/friends that they're too ill to unload the dishwasher/write a response to a letter of complaint/go to a boring engagement party.

I think it's more complex than that:
50 ways to use a thermometer for someone who has nothing better to do (I've managed 9)

• cigarette substitute
• measure the temperature of the radiator that needs to be fixed
• draw round
• take apart and poison someone, preferably Tara from downstairs.
• check if the cat has temperature (that's obscene)
• check the temperature of soil for your dying yucca plant
• paint green
• look at and remember you primary school science lessons
• give away to someone really ill

Oh well. I think, thank god, I am still alive.